Day 274: Change is afoot, and my feet are dragging

It has been a few months since I last posted. Part of it was being tired, part of it was being busy, and part of it was simply not knowing what to say. Things are still hard, but there is much more light these days. Life has been in a state of influx since my husband died suddenly last July 26th, and now one day shy of nine months into this twisted journey, more change is coming.

The simple fact is I cannot afford my house. A house payment is more than one of my paychecks. So, a few months ago I started the search for a new home. A few weeks ago, I found a town home that seems promising and put in an offer. It seems like all things will go through and I have a tentative closing date of May 15th. This means I have started the arduous task of going through my late husband’s belongings. Every choice is hard, but necessary. It is emotionally exhausting. Why did he have to have so much stuff? I am inspired to try to live simpler so when I die, no one is left with the magnitude of sorting I have been faced with, but paring down possessions has been really hard. I even rented a large dumpster, filled it, and am still just buried in stuff. I am feeling so overwhelmed facing this task I do not feel read to handle. However, if I have learned anything these last 9 months, life doesn’t give a shit what you are ready for- you either handle it or give up and I have never been the giving up type, no matter how tempting it has been in moments.

As for things with the new guy, it is still going very well. We have been talking about long term plans and his daughter and I have started to really click. On a recent week long visit, we trekked down to Tucson for a tour of UofA, and it seems that is now her first choice for college, which makes me really happy. If all goes the way we hope, after his daughter graduates high school next year, they will become Arizonans.  It is exciting and still a little scary because allowing love in your life also invites the possibility of soul crushing loss and grief, but when someone is worth it, they are worth it. My husband was worth every ounce of pain and every tear shed and to be shed. The new guy in my life is also worth this, and that realization is very heavy to accept.

We do not typically enter into relationships even considering the worst case scenario, but widowhood makes the thoughts of loss bubble to the forefront. When my husband passed, I felt certain that I would never be willing to face the risk of feeling so much pain again. It surprises me sometimes that I am willing and willing so soon. It comes down to love is positive. Happiness is the only point to living. If you don’t do things to make you happy, then you are simply wasting moments instead of living them. I don’t want wasted moments. I want life.

Good thing for today: It is a lazy Saturday, my coffee was good, and I have lazy Saturday shows recorded on my DVR to catch up on. This may not be the life I wanted, but I can still enjoy the simple things.