Lately I’ve felt like I was turning the corner a bit on my devastation. I still cry a few times a day, but the recovery is quicker. I still am alone a lot, but I have been putting myself out there. Today was not just three steps back, it felt like it was 100 steps back.
I woke up and felt like I did not want to go to work at all. It is not an unusual feeling but I usually power through and go and it all turns out okay. I figured today would be the same thing. I begrudgingly got dressed and headed out the door. I got in the car, backed out of the driveway, and noticed that the neighbors had already begun putting up Christmas decorations. I hate that. At least wait until after Thanksgiving! I took a picture, uploaded it to Facebook, and took off driving. I started thinking about how my husband and I would laugh at the craziness of their elaborate display. We learned early on there was no competing, so we instead decided to go the tacky route with our decorations. We have pink flamingos, pigs, and chickens all donning Santa hats. We always loved putting those out together and wondered what they thought of our meager tackiness. The more I thought about this, the sadder I got. The tears started but I kept on driving. It was not the first or last time I would cry on my way to work, I could do this.
As I pressed on, I started getting slapped with memories of the hospital and the doctor telling me he was gone. It was like I was trapped in that horrible moment and couldn’t claw my way out. My vision blurred with tears and I did something I hadn’t done before. I grabbed my phone and called my manager. I tried to control my voice as I said I needed to go home but couldn’t. I just sobbed. It was humiliating. She told me to go home and take the day and not to worry about it. Since then, I have been in ball of tears on the couch.
I know I am allowed to do this sometimes, but I still feel bad I couldn’t make myself get through the day. Let’s hope getting all of this crap out of my system today makes day 101 a better day.
Good thing for today: A friend managed to make me laugh and smile, which on a day like today, is a welcome gift.