Day 85: be okay

I’ve been obsessively listening to this song for the last couple weeks:

When I named my blog “Finding the Pieces”, it was because I felt my entire life had been demolished, exploded, and the pieces were strewn all over. I felt empty and had no idea how to even gather the pieces together to even attempt to reassemble myself. So when she sings “Just give me back my pieces and let me hold my broken parts”, it really speaks to me.

When I really think about where I am right now in navigating through my grief, I know my goal is not to have a good day or even be happy. I want enough good and happy moments to fall on one side of the scale to get the other side that is weighted down with a boulder of misery to lift a little. I want days where I feel okay.

I know I’m still pretty much a baby widow. I have so much of the business side of things left to figure out. Who knew dying required so much damn paperwork? I am doing my best to take this time to really FEEL my loss. I know that for me, too much distraction will take me away from working through it so I am trying to give myself time to wallow in despair and really think about my life. It is so hard to do it. So, so hard. But I try to listen to myself as much as I can and this seems right. So I write. I talk to other widows online that understand, I read books both on grief but also on how to rebuild your life post-bulldozer, and I go to counseling. I am also on the brink of RSVPing to my first local widows meet up so maybe I can meet new people in person that understand since people in my life right now fall somewhere in between disappearing totally and being a wonderful friend that is there for me, but can’t really understand all of this.

I am starting to feel a little ready to go through some of his things and find them new homes. I am not ready to throw things away yet, but I think it will be good for me to give people things that I feel prepared to let go of that may mean something to them. I actually gave away the first item that was actually his the other day. It is a small replica of his jeep that he loved so much. It went to someone I know will give it a good home and that it will mean something to. It felt good and right, and it lifted that boulder just a little bit.

Good thing for today: People are coming over to help me hang a drawing of my husband I was given as a birthday present last month. I have toiled over finding the perfect spot and I believe I have found it.