I’ve been struggling a lot with the meaning of things. If all we do is die in the end, what does any of the methods we utilize to kill the time matter? Good people, bad people, and people who fail to budge the needle one way or another all end up dead. It is natural to try to assign some sort of bigger meaning to things, which is the need religion attempts to answer. I have always been an agnostic. I don’t know what to believe, but I am not willing to count things out unless I live in those shoes and my gut tells me it is false. So, in that spirit, yesterday I tried out talking to a medium.
My husband didn’t believe in mediums or even an afterlife for that matter so a part of me thought if there is a chance this is genuine would he be too stubborn to be right that he wouldn’t be receptive to come out making the whole thing a moot point? I decided it was better to give it a go and see what happened. And what happened I simply cannot explain. I was very careful not to divulge any information to be exploited and went with an instant reading to eliminate the possibility of being researched.
She started out saying she was going to give me some information to help verify it was him coming through. She talked about having broad shoulders. He had broad shoulders, but a lot of men do. She said he was a bigger guy. Yes, he was a bit overweight. She said he was short. Yes, my husband stood 5 foot 5 inches. Because of his height, weight, and very broad shoulders, finding suit jackets was always an adventure. She talked about him being fun loving and finding a lot of joy in hobbies. Again, yes.Then she talked about his death. She described a tightness in her chest, difficulty breathing, and that she couldn’t stop shaking. He had a seizure, his breathing was so very shallow when the ambulance came they told me they were going to start breathing for him, and on the ambulance his heart stopped. All of that was correct. She told me that his death was incredibly painful and traumatic, but he didn’t feel it because he was already removed from it. She said that she got the sense I had seen it and that it was incredibly traumatic. Again, oh so very true. I still can hear his screams but have trouble remembering his laugh. She said he was so incredibly sorry I had to witness it because it was so traumatic for me. She then added that he said it was good I saw it because if it had happened differently, it would be more difficult than living with the trauma. That was also true. I was going on an overnight trip the next day to Vegas with my parents to pick up a free cruise certificate for a future vacation. I have thought a lot about what it would have been like to come home to him dead and how I would have been tortured wondering what if I hadn’t gone and what if I had been there. This all made me feel more open to what she had to say because nothing she said was wrong at all.
She then went on to say he was so sorry he left so soon and that we had been married less than 10 years, which was also true. She asked me to confirm we didn’t have children and I did. She said when he died, the first thing that hit him was disbelief. There was no hint this would happen and he’d never had a seizure before- also correct.She said the disbelief soon turned to worry for me and regret that this was happening to me, which is exactly how he would be. This will sound weird, but suspending my skepticism for a moment it was good to hear how sorry he was that I am going through this. I don’t know why that helps, but it does.
She told me that saw me getting married again. I don’t see that for myself, but she said he would find a guy that was drama free (is there such a thing?) that is very kindhearted. That all feels like a lot. She told me to focus on my dreams, that I am having them but I am not remembering them. I have felt that was the case for some time, but that is probably the case with most grieving people. She told me he said not to worry about his things, do whatever I need to because he isn’t here anymore and doesn’t need them. Most of all, she told me he is okay. He is happy and wants me to be happy, So, after that I spent my day blubbering. It was a lot to take emotionally. I still don’t know if it was real, but it felt real at the time.
So, flash forward to today. She sent me a follow up email and said that she saw a gold thread which means a miscarried child carried with him in spirit. My jaw dropped open. I had a miscarriage a couple years ago. Not a lot of people know that, but I keep thinking about the missed chance to have a piece of him with me and how after we never were able to try again and how I blew my chance. So there you have it. I don’t know what to think, but obviously I have much to think about.
Good thing for today: The puppy seems to have bounced back from whatever was ailing her.