Day 36: feathers

When it was on the air, I was a huge X-Files fan, an X-Phile if you would. I even kept watching after David Duchovny left the show trying to convince myself it was still good. In hindsight it really wasn’t. I have been thinking back to that show with some fondness for Mulder’s silly poster with the UFO that proclaimed “I want to believe.” I am living that mantra.

A few days ago, I was torturing myself and feeling so alone so I hopped online and started looking up common signs after death that a loved one used to reach out. I kept repeatedly finding that feathers were a sign. My initial reaction was that is stupid, birds are all over and so are their feathers, These are desperate, grieving people that are seeing signs that simply aren’t there. So, partially sarcastically, I said out loud “Alright, if you are around, send me some feathers.” I promise the following is true. Every day since that day I have found the puppy chewing something on the carpet. Each time, I have plucked a feather from her mouth. Today made the third day. Then, a couple hours ago, she had something white stuck in her tail fur. I pulled it out and sure enough, it was a feather. So, could all of this be coincidence? Absolutely. Is it a coincidence? I honestly have no idea whatsoever. One thing I do know if that I want to believe so very much. I can picture him reading as I type this and saying “Quit being so f***ing stubborn! How much more obvious do I have to make it?!” But still, it is so hard to take the leap and say yes, that was my husband.

Good stuff for today: A good friend came and helped clean my living room and kitchen. It looks so much better in here and the air feels less stale.