Home » Uncategorized » Day 34: a big wad of nothing

Day 34: a big wad of nothing

I’m backsliding. I have been trying so hard to be positive, to squint to see a hint of dawn in this moonless, starless night. I’m not able to do it. This is the lowest, most lonely, and most helpless I have felt so far. The first week was more varied emotions, but I had disbelief comforting me like a warm hug. The shock is releasing its hold on my brain, which is obviously not the brightest if it thinks I’m ready to fully absorb the magnitude of my loss. I yearned for things to be different before. Now I know they can’t be and am starting to feel just how empty inside I am. I have no idea how to recover from this. I have no plan to get through. I have nothing.

Despite this, as promised, here is the positive of the day: A friend came by and helped me with the small dead tree in my front yard and helped me assemble the puppy’s large pen I’ll be putting her in when I am leaving the house more. It was very kind and so appreciated.

One thought on “Day 34: a big wad of nothing

  1. Please be forgiving of yourself. The first month wasn’t nearly as hard as the 3rd month, and the 4th month has proven to be even worse so far. As the reality settles in the emotions become much more unsettling. I thought the first month was an indication of how well I was handling the situation but I know now it was just disbelief giving me a layer of protection I probably needed at the time. I don’t think our minds and hearts can really accept it all at once, so the grief presents itself in waves. But I promise the waves pass…and are usually followed by other waves, but you won’t stay underwater. Just keep breathing.

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