Day 27: @#$%&!

Frustrated, upset, devastated. Those are not typical words for a Friday but the day started off rough. My “normal” night lately entails falling asleep around 11pm, waking up at 1am, falling asleep again around 2:30 or 3am and waking up at 4am, going back to sleep quickly and waking up between 5am and 5:30am, then not being able to get back to sleep at all and just resigning myself to be up for the day. At my 1am wake up, I had an itch on my back I couldn’t reach. I have a notoriously itchy back and my husband used to scratch it for me for five minutes at a time. I was smart enough to know even at the time such a gesture was heavenly. Last night, I was on my own. I tried rubbing my back against the corner of the bathroom door like a cat. No dice. I redoubled my efforts to make my fingernails reach to a place they were never meant to reach. Predictably, no success. By this time I was not only itchy but also in tears. After briefly considering dirtying a spatula and deciding that was unsanitary, I finally had the solution. I grabbed a towel and rubbed it back and forth over the offending area and finally had sweet, sweet relief. I really need to invest in a back scratcher.

I’m doing my best to be organized in getting the right paperwork to the right places using the right method. Some places require a scanned copy of the paperwork and some inexplicably require I fax it. Who the hell uses a fax machine anymore? It is antiquated and the quality of the received document is ridiculously degraded compared to an emailed scan. I also really feel that there should be a database accessible by companies to get the death certificate, marriage certificate, etc. themselves so grieving, irrational, scatterbrained widows aren’t trying to keep everything straight. If congress ever requires witness testimony as to why this should be a no brainer, feel free to get a hold of me!

While all of that is annoying, it is not my big paperwork frustration of the day. Three weeks ago, I provided my and my husband’s employer (we worked at the same company) with a notarized affidavit so they could release his last paycheck to me. They sat on it for several days. It turned out, they needed more paperwork, which is fine and I provided it eight days ago. Today, I get told that the form I filled out was filled out incorrectly and that I needed to fill out and scan a brand new copy. Now, here is the thing. Since my husband passed, i have gotten two paychecks of my own but not his final check. The delay would be manageable, but they cannot even tell me how much money it is going to be. How do I make a budget with this giant question mark no one seems to be in a hurry to help me with? I can’t. My household income has been cut more than half with no warning and no plan. I have no cause of death so any benefits are months off. I just need something, anything, to be simple for once. I need help, not delays and a lack of urgency.

While all of this is going on, I’m attempting to work and failing at it because I couldn’t go ten minutes without crying. I feel like I am in a worse emotional place than I have been in a week, maybe two. What happened to things getting better with time? I feel like I’m stuck in reverse and I don’t know if I can pull out of it.

Day 26b: Addendum

Maybe it is a sign, but after writing up my post I went and got the mail and there was a letter from the Donor Network. While they could not use his eyes, they were able to use a heart valve and various tissues. All in all, his gift may benefit up to 50 people. I guess sometimes my decisions are still right on.