Day 23: presence unknown

Today I made an attempt to return to work, but luckily I had training wheels on by being approved to work from home and not being required to work a full day. It started out rough. My husband and I worked at the same company so we’d have lunch and breaks together every day. We also have a chat program that we would chat back and forth on throughout the day to keep our sanity when dealing with little annoyances that seem so much more insignificant now. I opened the chat program and at the very top of my favorites, there he still sat with his goofy badge picture staring back at me. Next to his name instead of offline it said “Presence Unknown”. How very appropriate.

As the day wore on, my tears dried as I remembered how much I actually like many of my coworkers and I actually began smiling and laughing at jokes. I didn’t get a whole lot of work done, but it was a hurdle that needed to be jumped if I am going to find some way to get myself back on track.

I’ve been reminded quite a bit that now is the time to try to find myself, to be creative, and to find outlets like this blog to get myself through this nightmare. It may sound a bit antiquated and not very feminist, but I dedicated so much of my life and energy to supporting my husband as he pursued his noble passion of protecting endangered children. Through my support, I felt like I had a purpose and passion. Now I’m just kind of lost and looking at my own life and not seeing that I have a lot to offer. That may sound defeatist, but really it is a recognition of where I sit now so I can remind myself I need to find things that make me happy in this new chapter whose page I never wanted to turn. And after several pep talks today, I feel like I can find a direction eventually and that is the most optimistic I have been since everything happened.