Day 21: three weeks

It was difficult when I could no longer talk about things we did last week. As time continues to march on without my consent, soon I will be not being able to talk about things we did last month. Then it will creep into not being able to say last year. Time is an odd thing. On the one hand, I am desperate to be past the unbearable pain of my loss. On the other hand, I am terrified of forgetting his face, his voice, his touch, and his crazy quirks. The word I keep coming back to is so incredibly inadequate- unfair.

It’s funny, despite my minute to minute reality, I still feel like this is all about someone else. This isn’t my life and there is no way his life is over. I think of stupid things like he will never get to see some movie he was looking forward to or see the finale of a tv show we watched together. These things don’t matter, but my brain keeps getting stuck on them as though some small revelation will lead to the dam bursting and reality fully racing towards me intent on drowning me in despair.

My mind has been pretty unkind to me today. It keeps replaying his seizure over and over again. It won’t stop. It was suggested that because the scene won’t likely ever leave my mind, just see it, acknowledge it, and go to a happy scene. I knew just the one to pick.

I’d surprised him with a trip to Maui for his 30th birthday and splurged on a convertible. We drove through a road flanked by trees whose branches had grown together to create a tunnel. I looked over at him and he just looked so content and so at peace. I reached for his hand and we held hands briefly under the canopy of leaves. This moment is the one I would always pick when I was sad or stressed as my happy place where there was proof that sometimes the world is perfect. ┬áBut today, I see that scene and he suddenly projectile vomits like he did during seizure so it brings no comfort. I think it may be possible that in addition to processing this horrible grief, I could end up with PTSD. Wouldn’t that be the cherry on this whole crap sundae?

Today, to put it mildly, sucks.