Day 19: dreams and the nightmare of reality

I have been so frustrated that I haven’t even been able to dream of my husband. He isn’t here in reality so my mind should be able to conjure him up as I sleep or maybe, just maybe, have a real visit from him. I don’t pretend to know if such things are possible, but I want them to be.

Last night, the frustration ended and I finally had a dream. We were sitting across from each other at a white table.

“I just want to be able to hold your hand”. I said.

“Then why don’t you?” he replied. I reached out tentatively not thinking I’d be able to touch him but I did. It felt exactly like I remember his hand feeling. His skin was soft with a little bit of roughness. His grip was strong and I could even feel the hairs on his knuckles. Most of all, his hand was warm. I began to sob and tackled him to the ground and let him hold me, his fingers running through my hair. Everything felt so right like reality was the dream and this was real. This was now. This is what it should be. Then I woke up. I was cold.

I looked at my phone and found mother in law drama I didn’t need. Reality came crashing down into the nightmare I know it to be. I tell myself things will get better, but things just keep piling up on my shoulders. I have never needed my husband so much in my entire life as he would be the only one that could help me through such profound grief. Instead, not only do I grieve him, I also grieve his place in my life as my protector, my anchor, and my smile.