Day 13: Knots

I’ve been uneasy all day. Truthfully, I have been uneasy for 13 days but today it is concentrated. My head is full of memories of our last day exactly two weeks ago. I keep going over and over it in my head, looking for something I missed. I keep coming up empty. It is simultaneously a relief and infuriating. It is going to be 3-5 months before I get the results of the additional tests they performed. On the one hand, not finding anything meant maybe I didn’t miss something obvious. On the other hand, if my life is destroyed, there should be a reason… a medication mix up, and aneurysm, heart blockage, just something. Instead, it is pretty much “Sorry the love of your life is gone, we’ll look into it some more when we get around to it.” Infuriating.

My stomach is in knots. Everything is uncertainty. What happened to him? Why did this happen? What is going to happen to me? How am I possibly going to handle this? I wish I knew. Instead, the knot just grows. I feel sick.